Please Don't

Please don't.

I decided to make this a little more personal, more personal than I am comfortable with.

I grew up in a blue collar household in a blue collar town. I have never met my biological father. My mom married an alcoholic, womanizing abusive man when I was five. I refer to him has my anti-role model; my father-figure, not my father or dad. She married him out of fear of being unable to make it by herself raising a son. For eleven years I lived in those conditions, the first four of which I was the only child. As a result, I lived in a household that modeled for me everything I never wanted from life; fear, anger, animosity... loathing.

I was an intelligent boy that has spent most of his life (adolescent and adult) un-diagnosed and untreated, but living with ADHD. This means I did well in school, but only when the subject and teacher teaching classes were interesting. If either, and especially when both, were not interesting, I did not do well and was usually in trouble. I am sure that you can guess which side of that fence I fell on most of the time... I will even give you two chances.

My house was a house of discipline. Switching’s, spankings, outright beatings, kneeling on mung beans for hours and groundings... the sheer volume and duration of groundings. Groundings in my house consisted of the following; I was remanded to my room for the duration of the grounding with the following exceptions; bathroom and hygein needs, meal time, school (if it wasn't summer time) and church. I spent a lot of time alone reading and listening to music. That was until my mom learned out how much I loved music; then she grounded me from my music as well. And no, it was not the first nor was it the last time my mom would use the things I loved as a weapon against me.

I was, for the most part, the smallest person in my class. A late bloomer and became quiet over time. Do you know what late blooming and quietness have in common? Bullying. Unrelenting, never ending bullying, from upper class-men, lower class-men and everyone in between. Ever after my freshman year, when I spouted in a big way, to 6'4", those that bullied me when I was smaller than them felt they now had to prove themselves against one of the tallest ("Biggest") guys in the school.

My mom and father-figure divorced at the end of my junior year and at the end of my senior year, my mom married our former next door neighbor; the guy who was married with three kids of his own that had lived two houses down from us when my mom and father-figure were married. Long story there, and definitely a story for another time.

In school, I excelled at arts, but not art as in drawing, painting or writing as I was told by a teacher, in no certain terms early on that I had no talent in drawing, painting or writing. But rather, I excelled at performance arts; music and drama. It was rare that my grades in those classes were under an A, and usually I only got less than a A in those classes when the final was a solo performance; I didn't do well performing by myself in front of others. Sadly, our education system understood that I was a fish, (arts) yet still measured my success by how well I climbed trees (math, science, literature).

I graduated from high school at the age of seventeen and was off to boot camp three weeks later; My eighteenth birthday was spent performing physical tests for the entry into the Navy Seals... and no I did not pass... I failed the running portion of the test; never had a rhythm for running.  I learned a lot in the military. I learned that bully was going to be a lifelong experience. I also learned that I have problems with authority. That last bit may not be the best combination; problems with authority and serving in the military. But I survived. I took the four year retirement plan; all the freedom and none of the monetary benefits.

After I left the military I bounced from many odd jobs until I bought my first computer. Three months after I purchased my first computer I landed a job a Hewlett Packard repairing printers. A year later I got a different job in HP. A year later I took my third job; one that I stuck with for the next eight years; application and database programmer. The main reason I stuck with that job was the fact that my manager at the time understood me. He understood what drove me. He knew how to challenge me. He knew how to get the best from me. And he did; time and again.

During that time I had two daughters come into the world and eventually, near the end of my time at HP, ended up divorcing their mom after four years of marriage.

I moved to Salem in 2006. I co-founded the Salem Digital Photo Group in 2008, a local photography club that teaches others how to get more out of their cameras and gives back to the community; for a low annual membership of $24 per household.

I have volunteered at two animal shelters; doing laundry, cleaning/sanitizing pens, walking/socializing the animals and even photographing the animals for their websites.
I have even volunteered at my local comic book shop and comic cons.

I had a podcast for nearly two years that promoted local geek culture and promoted local businesses doing awesome things for the geeky community.

This is an abbreviated version of my life. I have spared the naked, ugly details. But rather wanted to paint a picture of Who I am today.

So who am I?

• I am quiet when I am unfamiliar.
• I am unfiltered when I am nervous.
• I take command when I have to; even if I am uncomfortable.
• It takes me days to recoup when I spend more spoons than I have. Some of you look perplexed by my reference to spoons. I assure you it has nothing to do with the Matrix. Look up The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino if you are interested in knowing more.
• I love my wife and kids.
• I am worn out by social interactions, even if the interactions are with friends, family or people I otherwise care about; but especially if it is with people I do not know.
• I give as much as I can, and more times than not I give more than I should.
• I am a loner for the most part, having my own room in my house.
• I create.
• My children do not fear me.
• I am protective of myself.
• I have panic attacks, even if everything looks fine on the surface; but my wife knows when it is happening, she always knows.
• I have an extensive record collection; 885 albums to date.
• I have PTSD as a result of violence committed against me throughout my life.
• I have a wife, going on thirteen years and her love and support means more to me that anything else in the world.
• I have OCD with numbers; counting (with a preference to odd numbers) and conversion to digital root. This shows up in my art, a lot, and no, I am not a numerologist.
• I have a wicked and twisted sense of humor that most find offensive, so I typically keep to myself.
• I take very little serious; life is too short.
• English is my second language, sarcasm being my first.

So why did I title this please don't?

Because that is my ask of you.

Please don't feel bad for me. Many people have had it so much worse than I. My sister was born into a home filled with fear, anger, animosity... loathing. She suffered in that environment much longer than I did.

Please don't thank me for my military service. I joined to escape. To escape my family, my home town, the bullies. I did it for selfish reasons. Joining the military saved me. I don't deserve your thanks for a selfish act. And I left the military for the exact same reason; to escape.

Please don't congratulate for a job well done. This is what I am paid to do. There are literally 1000 different things I would rather be doing right now, but they don’t keep a roof over my family’s head or food on the table. If I am not doing my job well, I probably don't deserve my paycheck.

Please don't thank me for giving back. If I didn't give back to my community, I might not be here today. Helping others saved my life; so, again, I don't deserve your thanks.

Please don't ask about pains in my past. I spend enough time dealing with them in my head and I would rather spend my time with you in a positive realm.

Please don't be afraid. Talk with me about the things I love; music, horror movies, comic books, Calvin and Hobbes, my wife's inability to fail in the kitchen, my love of dogs, my creating. Sorry folks, I don't do sports.

Please don't be afraid to ask about my disability. I am not sensitive to it in any way shape or form. If you read up on Spoon Theory, you will gain some insight, but I am always willing to share with those interested in knowing more.

Most importantly:
Please don't be anything other than your authentic self with me. After everything I have been through in this life, I am pretty sure I can handle anything you bring to the table. :)